


Friendship is Magic, Even When You're Former Black Ops Soldiers Now Hell-Bent on Revenge

by coinin



Category: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, The Losers (2010)
Genre: Crack, Friendship is Magic, Gen, Jensen is a brony, Sickfic, food is love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-03-23
Updated: 2012-03-23
Packaged: 2017-11-02 09:44:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,551
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/367626
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/coinin/pseuds/coinin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which Jensen is a brony, Jensen's niece is perceptive, and Cougar is doomed from the start.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Friendship is Magic, Even When You're Former Black Ops Soldiers Now Hell-Bent on Revenge

**Author's Note:**

> Jensen's niece's pony interpretations can be seen at the end of the story. Because I'm insane, I also made ponies for the rest of the Losers. You can find those [at my Tumblr](http://http://coinin.tumblr.com/post/19721742336/this-is-what-i-spent-my-day-on-headdesk-my).

It starts with a shirt. More specifically, it starts at nine o'clock on a Friday night in San Diego, and it starts with one of Jensen's shirts. 

It's one of those exceedingly rare nights when they are in a friendly city, uninjured, and have nothing pressing to do. Clay and Aisha have already disappeared to do whatever Clay and Aisha do, leaving Pooch and Cougar waiting for Jensen to finish showering before they hit the bars.

When Jensen enters the room, Pooch takes one look at his shirt and says, “Oh, _hell_ no. I am not going out with you dressed like that.”

The shirt in question is a pink so vivid it puts the Petunias shirt to shame, with three brightly colored balloons across the front – two blue and one yellow. Jensen refuses to change, Pooch refuses to back down, and Cougar just really, really wants a beer or five, so in the end, it's Cougar and Jensen hitting the bars while Pooch sulks in his hotel room and calls Jolene to complain about his crazy teammates. 

They're in San Diego to case a couple of shipping companies; unfortunately, it's also spring break, and the city is swarming with what Jensen refers to as douchebros. Cougar has to admit the nomenclature is apt, especially after the second group of fratboys in cargo shorts, designer flip-flops, and polo shirts with the collars popped shouts “Fag!” in Jensen's direction. Jensen doesn't care, of course, just laughs it off, but the kids are feeling belligerent – or at least they are right up until Jensen stops laughing and Cougar snarls “Fuck off, _pendejos_.” At that point they get the memo that they picked the wrong dudes to harass, and high tail it away. 

All this is why, three beers and two bars later, Cougar is not feeling so happy to see another group of bros making their way unsteadily over to where he and Jensen are sitting at the bar. 

“Brony pride, man!” The foremost kid says, shouting to be heard over the music, and suddenly Jensen is fistbumping the guy and grinning the crazy megawatt smile that's usually reserved for blowing shit up or hacking the Pentagon. Then things get really weird.

The bro pulls up one sleeve of his polo shirt, revealing an honest-to-god tattoo of the same three balloons that are on Jensen's shirt. “Pinky Pie for _life_ , man,” the bro says, almost tearful.

“Oh man,” Jensen says, “that is hardcore.”

Cougar elbows Jensen in the ribs. “What is going on?”

“Friendship, Cougs,” Jensen says, throwing one arm around Cougar's shoulder, and the other around the nameless tattooed dude. “Friendship, because it is _magical_."

“Dude, wicked hat,” another one of the bros says to Cougar as he is extricating himself from Jensen's grip. “You got a serious Applejack vibe goin', you know?”

Cougar glares at the kid. Everyone's insane, and they're drinking Keystone Light, which is just adding insult to injury. This is not how Cougar wanted to spend the night. He's to the point of stealing Jensen's Sharpie, writing the coordinates to their hotel on his arm, and leaving, because he wants good beer and, God willing, a pretty woman, when the universe decides to thumb its nose at him.

Turns out college co-eds love men who can wax philosophical about kid's TV shows – or at least that's what Cougar gathers from the two identically tanned and highlighted girls who fling themselves at Jensen, squealing about his shirt. Cougar rests his head on the bar and wishes ill fortune on everyone around him.

\---

A week later, they're in a hotel room in Macao, and Jensen has set up a secure video chat with his niece. There are ponies involved. Cougar ignores them, concentrates on the book he'd found in the bedside table – something science fiction, with a terrible eighties cover that has nothing to do with the story. Cougar doesn't usually go for science fiction, but he's surprising himself by actually enjoying the book, partially because the main character is almost as insane as Jensen.

“Hi, Mister Cougar!” Sarah chirps when Cougar walks behind Jensen on his way to get a bottle of water from the room's refrigerator. 

“ _Hola_ ,” Cougar replies with a smile. “ _¿Qué paso?_ ”

Sarah's face wrinkles up in thought. “ _El Sábado pasado, mi mama y yo fuimos a la playa con mi amiga Liz. Comimos sandía. Y..._ ” Sarah draws the syllable out, and then grimaces. “I don't know how to say we chased hermit crabs around tidepools, and found anemones. Uncle Jake, did I tell you about the anemones? Liz thought they were gross, but she's crazy because they were so awesome.”

Cougar grins and moves away. The kid is sweet, and her Spanish is better than her uncle's.

Sarah interrupts her description of dropping sea snails into anemones to call out, “Bye, Mister Cougar!”

“ _Hasta la vista_ ,” he calls over his shoulder, just to make her giggle.

Later, after Jensen's sister has chased Sarah off to bed, Jensen suddenly starts laughing so hard he ends up clutching at his stomach and crying.

Cougar doesn't ask, just continues reading. The main character has just accidentally talked his way into possession of a mercenary fleet, and things are staring to get interesting.

\---

[3:42] «pinkcleats» mom doesn't know i'm on  
[3:42] «GoPetunias» I feel morally conflicted about that.  
[3:43] «GoPetunias» but cool uncle wins out. What's up?  
[3:43] «pinkcleats» i had to say  
[3:43] «pinkcleats» hes TOTALLY Big Macintosh!  
[3:43] «GoPetunias» lol  
[3:44] «pinkcleats» cause he's really quiet but hes nice  
[3:44] «pinkcleats» and he's strong right?  
[3:44] «pinkcleats» also your name is super embarrassing. >:|  
[3:45] «GoPetunias» _is now known as_ «Comms &Tech»  
[3:45] «Comms&Tech» better?  
[3:45] «pinkcleats» booooring ;)  
[3:45] «Comms&Tech» too bad. :P  
[3:45] «Comms&Tech» I dunno, I think he'd like Rainbow Dash  
[3:45] «Comms&Tech» Big Mac is kind of... boring :/  
[3:46] «pinkcleats» check your email!  
[3:46] «Comms&Tech» Oh  
[3:46] «Comms&Tech» wow  
[3:46] «Comms&Tech» I can't see the screen i'm crying w/laughter  
[3:46] «Comms&Tech» this is going to be my new background  
[3:47] «pinkcleats» hehehehehehe...  
[3:47] «pinkcleats» it took me all morning!   
[3:47] «Comms&Tech» you are amazing!  
[3:47] «pinkcleats» see, the Sarah pony has her tail all braided up so that it doesn't get full of burrs and muddy when she's playing soccer  
[3:47] «Comms&Tech» I like it. Very practical, Princess. ;)  
[3:48] «pinkcleats» I had to draw cougar ponys target... thing  
[3:48] «Comms&Tech» reticle  
[3:48] «Comms&Tech» $10 word for the next time you play scrabble  
[3:48] «Comms&Tech» wait, do you even play scrabble?  
[3:48] «Comms&Tech» anyway the Cougar pony looks great. I love his hair. XD  
[3:49] «pinkcleats» all the ponytails looked super girly X(  
[3:49] «Comms&Tech» naaw, it's perfect. :P   
[3:49] «Comms&Tech» and I get the USB symbol! *happy dance*  
[3:49] «pinkcleats» your a dork. :P  
[3:49] «Comms&Tech» guilty as charged!  
[3:50] «pinkcleats» bleeeaaaaah  
[3:50] «pinkcleats» Mom says “tell your uncle its past bedtime for little girls” >:(  
[3:50] «Comms&Tech» Aww :(   
[3:50] «pinkcleats» also your a bad influence :P  
[3:50] «Comms&Tech» Tell her I love her too.  
[3:51] «pinkcleats» I love you Uncle Jake! ^_^  
[3:51] «Comms&Tech» I love you too! ^__^  
[3:51] «pinkcleats» stay safe!   
[3:51] «Comms&Tech» Cougar's got my back, don't worry. :)  
[3:52] «pinkcleats» he better. >:(  
[3:52] «pinkcleats» Bye!  
[3:52] «pinkcleats» _has left the channel_

\---

Two weeks after that, Cougar is laid low by a really nasty flu, of all stupid things. As soon as they get to the safehouse (which is an actual house, this time, with multiple bathrooms and everything) Cougar does what he always does when he's sick: crawls off to a corner to die. More accurately, after he's done throwing up the first time, but before the fever hallucinations set in, he stumbles out of the bathroom and strips the blankets off one bed, then retreats back to the bathroom, locking the door behind himself, there to huddle miserably on the tiles.

He loses track of time fairly quickly after that, because for Cougar sickness always means fever, always has – when he was a child, he used to terrify his mama with his terrible, burning fevers – and with the fever comes delirium. When he's lucky and the fever is mild, it's just vivid, restless dreams. When he's unlucky, it's waking hallucinations, which is why it takes him a few moments to realize that Jensen is actually, physically in the room with him, talking.

“Cougs, you're kinda creeping me out here, with the blank staring. You there, man? Aw, please don't tell me the fever fried your brain, that'd suck and I'd feel guilty.”

Cougar blinks, and Jensen doesn't disappear or turn into anything. He's also poking at Cougar with his foot. Cougar glares.

Jensen grins. “He responds! So, it's been thirty-eight hours since you locked yourself in here, and you stopped throwing up about two hours ago – yes, I've been keeping track, don't give me that look. That's what friends do – okay, maybe friends don't usually lurk outside bathroom doors, timing bouts of vomiting, but they care, man, they care. And I care, which is why I picked the lock, just to make sure hadn't died in here. Also to make you shower, apparently, because you are _rank_.” Jensen leans down and grabs Cougar by the arm, starts hauling him upright. “Also _freezing_ , holy shit. How do you get that cold wrapped up in blankets? Are you actually a reptile? C'mon, into the shower. You'll feel better.”

Cougar bats weakly at Jensen until he lets go of his arm, and glares some more. “I'll shower. Get out.”

“You sure, man? You look pretty bad.”

“Out.”

“Okay, okay, don't freak out. Look, I brought towels, and a t-shirt and pajama pants-”

Cougar raises an eyebrow at that, because last time he checked he didn't own any pajama pants.

“Yes, I know, you don't own any pajamas. They're mine, but you are going to wear them, because pajamas are what you wear when you're sick and spending the day on the couch, and that is what you are going to be doing.”

Cougar rolls his eyes, and shoos Jensen out the door.

Jensen was right, Cougar does feel better – and warmer – after showering, although standing up for fifteen minutes is almost more than he can manage. By the time he turns off the water, he has started to shake with fatigue and has to sit down for a moment and rest. His stomach feels hollow and bruised, he's exhausted, freezing cold again now that he's out from under the hot water, and he has a headache. 

Jensen has apparently been hovering outside the bathroom door the whole time, because he pounces as soon as Cougar opens the door, draping a clean blanket around Cougar's shoulders and hustling him toward the living room. Jensen installs Cougar on the couch, dumping a beds' worth of blankets on top of him, and then heads for the kitchen. He returns a moment later, juggling a bowl, a glass of something fizzy, and a box of crackers, with his big laptop clamped under one arm.

“I think the little old lady at the bodega down the street thinks we're dating, now,” Jensen says as he drops the laptop and the crackers on the couch and hooks the coffee table closer with one foot, “because I spent half an hour down there spinning this tale of woe about how miserable you were, and then she made you soup and told me to take good care of you. Can't remember what she called it, though.” He stares thoughtfully into the bowl, then shrugs and hands it carefully to Cougar.

Cougar takes one look at the soup and starts to laugh. “ _Sopa de estrellitas_ ,” he says when Jensen looks at him. “Comfort food.”

“Yeah, that sounds like what she said. And I have Saltines and gingerale, 'cause that's what I grew up with. Also you're looking a little dehydrated, so it's salt and fluids for you.” 

The problem with Jensen is that he's so rarely sneaky that Cougar tends to forget that he can be an underhanded bastard when he wants to be. Case in point: He waits to open the laptop and hit play until Cougar is well settled into the couch, tangled in blankets and with a bowl of delicious, piping hot soup balanced precariously on his lap.

It's ponies. Of _course_ it's ponies. Cougar makes a halfhearted bid for freedom, but he's weak as a kitten from thirty-odd hours spent feverish, delirious, and puking. He's also holding a bowl full of soup that he really doesn't want spilled all his cozy blanket nest, so his escape doesn't go so well. He ends up upside-down, shoulders on the floor, legs tangled in the blankets, and soup held high. It's almost impossible to be dignified from such a position, but Cougar gives it a shot, glaring while Jensen laughs his ass off. When Jensen has recovered from his mirth, he rescues the soup, drags Cougar back onto the couch, and pins him with an arm across the chest. 

“My Little Pony is quality entertainment,” Jensen says sternly, “so I'm going to let you go, and give you back your soup, and we're going to sit here and watch. No complaining until we've finished the first episode, okay?”

“No complaining,” Cougar says with a sigh, because he can recognize a hopeless cause when it's staring him in the face, and is rewarded with soup.

Jensen ends up curled up under the blankets right next to him, using Cougar's knee as a surface for his wireless mouse. It's surprisingly comfortable, partially because Jensen is really, really warm. Cougar dozes off somewhere near the end of the second episode, only waking up when Jensen starts humming along to the ending credits.

Really, the only bad part is that Cougar finds himself actually liking the show. He blames the fever.

\---

[7:29] «PinkyPieIsMySpiritAnimal» I am ninja. ¬_¬  
[7:29] «pinkcleats» you are WEIRD  
[7:29] «PinkyPieIsMySpiritAnimal» his favorite character is Applejack  
[7:30] «pinkcleats» duh  
[7:30] «PinkyPieIsMySpiritAnimal» I think it's the hat  
[7:30] «pinkcleats» boys  
[7:30] «pinkcleats» you're all dumb  
[7:31] «PinkyPieIsMySpiritAnimal» what??? it's totally the hat  
[7:31] «PinkyPieIsMySpiritAnimal» they share a deep spiritual connection  
[7:31] «PinkyPieIsMySpiritAnimal» over hats  
[7:31] «pinkcleats» *sigh*  
[7:32] «pinkcleats» Applejack is the most dependable pony and the loyalest  
[7:32] «pinkcleats» shes always there for her friends  
[7:32] «pinkcleats» she always HAS THEIR BACKS  
[7:33] «PinkyPieIsMySpiritAnimal» …  
[7:33] «PinkyPieIsMySpiritAnimal» … ...  
[7:33] «PinkyPieIsMySpiritAnimal» oh  
[7:33] «PinkyPieIsMySpiritAnimal» I'm dumb  
[7:33] «pinkcleats» yup :)

\---

It's really cute, the way Cougar thinks he's being sly. Jensen hits play, sings along, and just as he hits the twenty second mark, Cougar drifts into the room and perches on the arm of the couch. Jensen angles the laptop a little more toward him, and settles in. The show's better when watched with friends, after all.

-fin-


End file.
